Becoming a Better Mother

It's been 19 amazing months since Peter and I have been blessed to be parents to little Langi. Every time I look at her I'm amazed at what a beautiful daughter I have. Whenever I see other people with their newborn babies, I start to get "baby-hungry" and I long for another little baby. But, then I look over at Langi and I realize that, though she's almost 2 and already acting like she's an adult, she will always be my little baby. Sometimes I worry that I won't treat her the same if I became pregnant again. I get scared that I won't give her enough love or that I won't be as in love with the next baby as I am with my little princess. But, seeing how good my siblings and my cousins are with all their kids, I know I'm going to love Langi and any other precious baby who comes along with all my heart and soul.

Sometimes, I find myself waking up before Langi just so that I can cuddle with her and stare at her and wonder "how is it that I am worthy enough to be this child's mother?" The first time Peter and I found out we were pregnant, I remember I was so excited. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was just after July 4th and we were both nervous and excited. The doctor said we were a few weeks along but that everything was looking good. And then just 4 days after that, I miscarried. I remember going into the ER and just knowing that even though everyone else wasn't sure if I was going to miscarry or not, I knew in my heart that I had miscarried and my heart ached. I remember my Uncle Vini and my Dad gave me a blessing of comfort. And although I don't remember the exact words, I remember that all I wanted to hear in the blessing is that the baby was going to be okay. But, somehow they knew that what I NEEDED to hear was that I was going to be comforted in whatever the outcome was. The doctors took blood tests and said within 3 days they'd know for sure if it was a miscarriage. An even though I was hoping for a good outcome, like I said earlier, I knew what the answer was. I remember a few days later, after the tests results came back the way i expected them too, it was just another disappointing blow. My mom pulled me aside and spoke with me and told me something that I know I'll never forget. She told me that, as tragic as this loss was, Heavenly Father knew deep down that I wasn't ready and that he needed me to be more prepared. She told me that when the time came, Heavenly Father would send me a child when he saw me fit to raise one of his precious children. My mom was right. Heavenly Father must have seen a lot of change in Peter and myself within a few weeks because at the end of that same month, we found out that we were pregnant again. I carried myself a different way this time around. Not to say that I wasn't taking care of myself the first pregnancy. I just felt different and better prepared. And I know that the love I feel for Langi grows so much every day because of the experience I had the first time around. As sad as I was during the first pregnancy, I know that Peter and I are stronger together and better parents because of what we had to go through. 

I know people say you can't change overnight. And although it was only a few weeks before we became pregnant again, I could really see a change in both Peter and myself. I know we still have so much more to learn and much more to teach. But I'm just so thankful to know that what we go through, even all the painful and heartbreaking moments, will strengthen us so much more. If we can just do our best to get through the hard times, there will always be a something brighter and happier waiting for us at the end of our trials.

Purcell Family Reunion

The past couple of weeks have been a blast. Langi and I made our way to Hawaii last week Tuesday for our Purcell family reunion. It was an AMAZING reunion. I haven't been back to Hawaii since 2007. This family reunions was a pretty special one as the main event was the installation and unveiling of my grandparents headstone. Which, may i say, turned out to be such a beautiful headstone done by some of my awesome family members here in Hawaii. When my grandparents passed away, it was a very hard time in my life. I wasn't able to make it to either of their funerals and on the day of their funerals I can clearly remember being so depressed and heartbroken. Earlier this year, Peter and I discussed our finances and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to come to Hawaii. But when Peter told me that whatever happens I have to be at the reunion for this special event, I was so grateful for his support and understanding. My family held a few plate lunch fundraisers to raise money to get us to Laie. And, well, here I am! It's been so fun also because this is the first time most of my family members are meeting Langi and the first time I'm seeing a lot of the kids and babies that I haven't met yet. Langi is LOVING it here. We've been to the beach 3 times and we're always out doing something fun. She's getting a better tan than I am too! (and it makes me totally jealous) It was kind of unreal when we stepped off the plane here. But it's so great being here. I miss home a lot though. As much as I absolutely love being with my family here, it's the first time Langi and I have been away from Peter for any amount of time and it feels kind of weird. Langi misses him a lot too. Every time she sees his face on our video chats, she forgets I'm there and just talks and talks and they both forget I'm in the same room. It's cute, she is such a daddy's girl.

Anyways, back to the reunion. We had so many fun activities but, as I'm sure a lot of my other family members would agree, the program and the unveiling of the headstone was the best part of the whole reunion. And of course, there is always the part that we always try to put out of our minds until the very last minute, there was the goodbyes. It's always hard for us to say goodbye to each other. Up until the very last second one of our family members leaves, we are always all smiles and laughter. It's such a great feeling to know how close we all are. I've seen some families who are not close at all. I read about the families that have children who don't talk to their parents at all or the children don't get along with each other. And then they realize just how important family is when it's too late to do anything about it. My heart aches for the families like that and I wish that I could do something for them. Then I remember how close my family is and I smile again. I know that when my family is all together, there is nothing but happiness and love. The fact that we all have to depart and go our separate ways in the end is sad, but it helps us all grow so much more closer together. Especially when we know that we're just a phone call, facebook message or a text away.

There are already plans for the next family reunion and of course that helps everyone's "goodbyes" be a little less sad.

Well, pictures of the family reunion and other fun activities we did will come in the next post, but for now (since it's 11:01pm here in Hawaii) it's a goodnight to all! :)